Contentment is not Complacency
Gratitude is a crucial practice for lifelong happiness and health. We can have all of the comforts and luxuries that this world can offer and still be miserable. We all intellectually know this, most of us have worked on this. We've written in gratitude journals, practiced gratitude meditations, and posted inspirational gratitude memes on social media.
But today I want you to lean into the discontent. To remember that it is ok to experience that deep scratching sensation your soul. To feel it fully and let it inform you. Let it drive you and give you wings.
I don’t know if it is a hopelessness that has taken hold of us all through the struggles of the Great Recession, a proliferation of self help mania, the instagram perfection we perceive of everyone else's lives, or something else entirely. But I see a disturbing trend towards a “cult of positivity” in our culture. This notion that you are never allowed to feel anything other than happy, grateful and joyous at every moment of every day is increasingly pervasive. And it really, really bothers me.
This attitude feels especially pointed in the “mom blogosphere”. Posts that go something like “Sure I used to have a fulfilling career as a PHD in (insert intellectually stimulating field here), and I climbed mountains, ran marathons, and was a member of the board of several children’s hospitals before having children. Sure I miss those things a little but really I’m SOOO HAPPY now drowning under a mountain of dirty diapers and piles of dishes because GRATITUDE!! #soblessed!” I can almost see the author, dead in the eyes, jumping up and down clapping her hands with a huge smile plastered on her face desperately trying to believe what she is saying, because it is really herself she needs to convince.
This pretty much sums up the feeling of pretending you are ok when you really are not. (side note: This was floating around social media as I was writing this post. I can't seem to track down the originator of the meme, but it is freaking perfect. If anyone knows who created this please tell me so I can credit them.)
The promotion of the “good vibes only at all times” mentality of motherhood is killing us. It is one of the misguided attitudes that leads us to ignore symptoms of postpartum depression, and trivialize the very intense reality of the hosts of challenges that moms face every day. It leads to burnout, resentment, and opportunities lost. “What do you MEAN you are not deliriously happy at every moment of every day! You have a wonderful family! You should never feel anything but wonderful ALWAYS!”
When I was in the depths of PPD, this was one of the scripts that played in my head all the time. “I have a lovely home, a supportive and unbelievably long suffering husband, running hot and cold water, a beautiful and healthy child...There must be something wrong with my character. Clearly I’m just not grateful enough. Maybe I need to gratitude harder. #firstworldproblems.” This mentality kept me stuck for way too long. Even if PPD or other mental illness isn’t the issue, you are not required to find complete and ultimate fulfillment exclusively through parenting and housekeeping. (On the flip side, you are also not required to love an adore a job that pulls you away from your kids more hours a day than you would like. Especially if it sucks on the whole.)
Discontent is at the root of all great things that have ever been done. It is that which whispers “you can do better, there is another way’. Every inventor, author, and thinker in the world has felt this and heeded the call. Yes, figure out how to have gratitude for that fact that dirty dishes means you had food to eat, and that your screaming toddler means your child is alive and well. That perspective is necessary and important. And, you have permission to also feel your discontent when it arrives. To ask yourself the small still question “What do I need to do, even in some small way, to begin to feel the way I want to feel?” You CAN develop your contentment without giving into complacency.
So the next time you feel that scratching sensation, settle in and listen to it. Feel it. And ask yourself “What can I do today, this week, or this month, to begin to shift this feeling. How is it I want to feel, and how can I get there within the parameters of my life as it is right now?” When you formulate an answer, I’d love to hear from you if you are willing to share. Leave a comment and let me know. What are you going to do to respond to your discontent?
Near Molas Pass outside Silverton, Colorado
Back to Me
Someday, I will untangle all the messy pieces of my thoughts about the struggle of my first two years of parenthood. I'll sort out all the emotions, the whys and hows of postpartum depression that was missed for WAY too long. I'll get it all out in some eloquent way and make sense of it all. Find the thread of the story that makes it meaningful, and not so heartbreaking.
Summer vacation 2015, 1.75 years into motherhood. Still feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and struggling to enjoy even things that used to make me happy. It was some point during this trip I began to realize this wasn't normal. That something beyond "new mom overwhelm" was happening.
But right now I don't want to talk about that. I want to talk about the turning point forward. The glorious revival. Everything that comes after the moment when my therapist looked at me and said, "What can you do right now to help you feel more like yourself? To make you feel wild and free like you did before...even if it's just for a few minutes a day?" I want to talk about feeling good. I want to talk about returning to the mountains, Returning to the Wild. Returning to me.
I want to talk about adventures I've had and adventures to come. I want to talk about making the most of "this one wild and wonderful life". I want to talk about being fully present in my life and how you can find yourself out there too. I want to talk about getting stoked, and spreading it far and wide. Want to get stoked with me? Good! Let's go!
Summer Vacation 2016, 2.75 years into motherhood. My depression and adrenal fatigue has been getting treated for 8 months now. My experience of our trip this year was 180 degree different. It was joyful, fulfilling, and lovely.